Life After Layoff

I recently wrote a blog about the value in quality time.  At the time, I was off from work because my son was on spring break, and I was struggling with the balance between work life and home life.  I wrote that I wasn’t sure if I had a job to go back to once his break from preschool was over.  Well, sure enough, I was no longer needed at my job.  In all honesty, it wasn’t work I wanted to do.  My boss brought me on because he started a firm, which was different from the work I did for him last summer.  I went along because I thought it would be a good opportunity for me.  There was the hope that I’d eventually get back to the more exciting work I was doing for him, but that wasn’t the case.

The whole thing feels like a whirlwind.  I was working from home part-time last summer, then took a break, then began working from an office still part-time but more hours, and then 3 months after that, I’m back to being a stay-at-home mom.  Even though I wasn’t working for long, I really enjoyed it.  I absolutely love being a mom and am grateful everyday that our family is in such a place where I don’t have to work.  But, I liked working.  It was fulfilling in a different way than being a mom, adding more flavor to my life, more colors.  And, I liked my little paycheck, which also felt good to contribute in another way.

When I found out I wasn’t going back to work, at least at that job, I had a little identity crisis.  For many years I was in the workforce and then we brought The Littlest E home with us from Ethiopia.  I became the mother of a 12½-month old baby boy and wrote a number of blogs about adjusting to life as a stay-at-home mom after working for so long.  I even gave myself a title, The Executive Director of the Elliott Family Residence because I started resenting doing the dishes, the laundry, the cleaning, etc.  I loved and relished the mom part, but the other stuff got under my skin.  That title shifted things for me.  I totally owned my job, I’m a Mom and I’m the Executive Director of our family.  I rose to the occasion and excelled at my position!  I got really into planning meals and running the house.

Then, the job offer came.  It was tough balancing everything.  We aren’t able to hire a nanny so it fell on me to go to work, and do the housework.   My husband is a true partner in all aspects of our family life.  He is great with our son, does his chores he has.  He is a wonderful, present father and husband.  There were still things I had to do, my responsibilities.  The balance between home life and work life is a difficult one and I was processing working it through when I got laid off.

It’s been interesting adjusting to being solely at home again.  I’m looking for part-time work, but my hours are pretty specific.  I need to be available to take our son to and from preschool, plus be with him after school.  Who knows if the right job will come along?  When I was working from home, it was perfect because I worked the hours I wanted and still got paid.  I’ve been taught that everything is exactly the way it’s supposed to be.  When I’m focused on that, I don’t resent being home anymore.

The time with my son is fleeting.  He’s in preschool now, but soon it’ll be kindergarten, elementary school and after school sports or other activities, then middle and high school.  Before we know it, he’s off to college.  If everything is exactly the way it’s supposed to be, then for now, I am supposed to be here.  There’s that old saying, “Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery.  Today is a gift, that’s why they call it the Present.”  Today is a gift and each day is a gift.  I only have this day, this now and how do I want to live it?

Another thing I was taught when asking the Universe a question, there are three answers: “Yes,” “Not now,” or “There’s something better.”  I have a project that I’m working on and if something happens with that, I’ll definitely be working full-time.  When that happens, my husband and I will make the necessary adjustments in our schedules and hire a babysitter for after school.  Perhaps this project is my something better.  No matter what, it’s all going to be okay.  I’m settling into life after my layoff, and it’s a nice life filled with love, family, gratitude, and peace of mind.

Images: Jason Langheine, luluemon athletica, luisar

©Melanie Elliott

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Father’s Day

I was all set to post my blog, Happiness In Extended Family, when I realized Father’s Day is tomorrow.  This got me thinking about Father’s Day and dads in general.

Growing up, my dad may not have been around all that much because he was out working, trying to grow his business so he could support our family, but he was there for main events, birthday parties, soccer matches (he even coached one year), graduations, plays and other events involving my brother and sister.  I don’t remember whether he changed my cloth diapers or fed me as a baby.  What I do remember is him being around when it counted and when he was needed.

One year when I was in college, my dad came to see me in a musical.  He forgot the flowers he was going to give me, and drove all the way from Berkeley to Sausalito and back (which is not a short route) to make sure I had the flowers by the musical’s end.  He missed most of the show, yet I got a gorgeous bouquet, a thoughtful, thoughtful gift.  He was so proud of me.

My stepfather has been in my mom’s life since 1983 and has been my stepfather since 1988, almost my entire adult life.  He’s like a second dad to me, sharing insights, guidance, encouragement, and, of course, fatherly love.  We have a special connection because we’re both writers.  I had the privilege of being one of the first to read a book he wrote and helped him edit it.

I watch my brother be a dad to my almost teenage nephew and 9-year old niece.  He’s a great dad from what I can tell, attentive, present, loving, committed to doing the best for his family and to being the best dad.  It’s wonderful.

My husband, Tom, has been dad to our son, The Littlest E, for almost 2 years now and it fills my heart to the bursting point with love and admiration when I see him with our son.  There’s no doubt about their connection.  I’m at home with our son during the weekdays, but the minute Daddy walks through our front door, it’s “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.”  I love it when The Littlest E asks first thing, “How was your day Daddy?” and wants to help my husband by taking his computer case into our bedroom.  After dinner, while I’m doing the dishes, they’re out in the back playing soccer or baseball (the version for an almost 3-year old) until bath time.

Right now the two of them are at the Mixed Roots Film & Literary Festival at the Japanese American National Museum on a father and son adventure.  They do these outings regularly, whether it’s to the Los Angeles Zoo, or a walkway near Ventura Boulevard.  It’s important they have their father/son time together and The Littlest E loves it!  It’s their special time.

Tom is an amazing parent.  He’s a hands-on kind of dad and gives The Littlest E his nightly bath and reads and sings to him at bedtime.  He also takes time off work to attend events at our son’s preschool.  He’s fully present in our son’s life.  I guess that’s more the norm these days, different from when I was a child.  By and large, today’s fathers play an active role in parenting.  I look at all the dad bloggers out there sharing their experiences and insights on being a dad and parent: http://brucesallan.com, www.thedadconnection.com, www.therealmattdaddy.com, www.greatdad.com, and www.newdadforlife.com, to name a few.  I glean a lot from reading these blogs.

What it all boils down to is Father’s Day is a day we set aside to give special tribute to dads, giving an extra hug or, “I love you.”  Yes, it’s a Hallmark holiday, but there’s nothing wrong with a little special treatment.  Many dads work tons of hours to provide for their kids and family, so on this day, we acknowledge them.  There are military dads overseas or stationed far from family; so on this day we acknowledge them.  There are single parent dads.  I know some single moms and it’s a tough, tough job, so on this day, we acknowledge the single dads.  Then there are dads who stay at home, either by choice or from the loss of a job.  Since I stay at home, I know it’s one of the hardest jobs I’ve ever done, so on this day, we acknowledge these stay at home dads.  We acknowledge the step-dads who give love, guidance and support to their stepchildren.  There are the grandpas, papas, granddads, bubbas, and grandfathers, who love their grandchildren unconditionally, so on this day, we acknowledge them, because they’re dads, too.

I’m not sure what we’ll be doing tomorrow and am leaving it up to my husband.  It’s his day after all.  To all dads everywhere, I wish you a Happy Father’s Day.  You are loved and appreciated.  I hope you have a wonderful day.

Images: Dean Michaud, Melanie Elliott, KaCey97007

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Watching Our Words

As parents, we all know to watch what we say around our children, but sometimes it’s easier said than done.  The Littlest E is almost 2½ and is quite the sponge and mimic.  It’s so cute when he sits at the dinner table trying to emulate the way his Daddy sits.  He notices everything.  Most of the time, it’s wonderful that he’s so observant.  It’s not so wonderful when either my husband or I forget who’s watching us.

Awhile back, The Littlest E was doing something, possibly throwing his toys and wouldn’t stop even after several redirects.  Finally, with great impatience I yelled, “Stop it!”  As the words shot out of my mouth, I knew I’d made a terrible mistake.  For weeks after the “Stop it” incident, my articulate son would mirror back to me those exact words, matching my inflection perfectly.

That phrase has tapered off as of late.  Lesson learned.  I need to be diligent about what I say and how I express myself around my son.  In fact, this is great to practice in everyday living and not just around the little ones.  I have slipped up on occasion and said “shoot” and “crap.”  Lucky for me, those words did not catch on with The Littlest E.

Over the holiday, it was my husband’s turn to get caught by our never-miss-a-thing son.  Tom, my husband, was putting together one of our son’s toys and things weren’t fitting right.  In frustration he said, “Doggone it.”  No sooner had he said those words, than our son repeated them replacing the “d” with a “b.”  Now, when something frustrates him, or when he feels like it, he’ll say “Boggone it” just like his Daddy.  It is funny when he says it, though we try not to laugh in front of him.  He says it quite often and I actually think he enjoys how it sounds exiting his mouth.  When The Littlest E went back to preschool after the holidays, I mentioned his new words to his teacher.  She didn’t seem to think it was a big deal and said it could have been a lot worse.

I’m grateful neither my husband nor I have dropped the F bomb in front of our son.  “Doggone it” and “crap” have been our worst, which is pretty minimal considering the breadth of expletives out there.  We’ve both been good about watching what we say.  Over the last weekend when I was jumping up and down cheering on the 49ers as they scored the winning touchdown against the New Orleans Saints with less than 1:37 left to go in the game, I screamed “Oh my gosh!” and “Oh my goodness!” not my usual pre-child cheers (use your imagination).  I was well aware that both husband and son watched every move I made and heard every word out of my mouth.  Excitedly, The Littlest E jumped up and down echoing, “Oh my goodness!” not even knowing why.

“Boggone it” seems to be sticking around.  For how long, only time will tell.  I keep trying to get him to say “Peter Bogdanovich” instead, but he won’t go for it.  “Boggone it” is a chapter he’ll eventually finish.  Down the road, inevitably there will be another word, a worse word coming from either from me or my husband, or maybe a friend.  That will be chapter 2.

Image: Bright Meadows

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Talking About Death With My Two Year Old

My husband’s mom died eighteen years ago from cancer.  We have a wonderful picture of her in our hallway outside The Littlest E’s room.  In the photo, Grandma Jane, as we call her, is standing outside near a tree.  She’s smiling, appears healthy and radiates life and happiness.  If I’m holding him, we often say Hi to Grandma Jane as we walk by her photo.  The other day he asked if we could Skype with her.  My heart filled with sorrow as I replied, “No, Sweetie, we can’t Skype with Grandma Jane.  We can only see her in pictures.”  I proceeded to show him another picture of her.  I didn’t mention she died, wasn’t at all sure if I should say anything about death.  I wanted to call my husband to ask his advice, but he was at work and I didn’t want bother him, especially with something like this.

I was filled with so many questions.  Was it okay to say to my two year old that Grandma Jane had died?  How should I bring up the topic?  What should I say?  Luckily, that day we were going to the parenting class I take at Burbank Adult School, and this was a perfect topic to bring up during our discussion time.  It made me feel sad knowing our son would never see his grandmother in person.  I, too, have never met her, and my husband talks about how much she would have loved The Littlest E.

During our class discussion, I brought up the topic of death.  I told our teacher, Karin Wright, what transpired between my son and me.  She let me know how I reacted was fine, and that it was also okay to say Grandma Jane died.  I had been afraid to use that word.  She said he’s too young to understand what that means, but it’s okay to talk about it.  She advised to never say that someone who died is sleeping or that they’ve gone away.  She conveyed that wording death in such a way might cause a child to be afraid of going to sleep or be afraid of anyone leaving, which made sense to me.

She went on to explain that as our little ones get older, we could use the analogy that the body is like a house.  When a person is alive, it’s like the house is full of people, the lights are on and there’s a lot of activity occurring.  When someone dies, his or her house is empty and the lights are off.  Great example.  The Littlest E is too young to comprehend this parallel, but when he’s old enough, I will definitely use it.

After class, when The Littlest E and I were back home, I showed him the photo of Grandma Jane again and said she died and is no longer with us.  It felt strange saying those words, but I knew it was good to get it out in the open.  As a parent, I want to be emotionally accessible to my son and that may mean talking about difficult subjects.

Yesterday, he asked to see Grandma Jane’s photo and, again, wanted to know if we could Skype with her or call her on the phone.  I responded the way I did above.  He wasn’t quite sure what I was talking about, but knew we could only see Grandma Jane in pictures.  He said, “That’s sad.”  I said, “Yes, it is sad.  But, see her picture?  She’s happy in the picture.  She’s beautiful.”  Our family will eventually have to deal with death first hand, along with questions about death such as where we go when we die.  This brief conversation The Littlest E and I had was but a beginning.

Image: AlicePopkorn (Cornelia Kopp)

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A Thanksgiving Tribute To My Husband

Around Thanksgiving I think about the things for which I am grateful.  We are fortunate enough to have a roof over our head, food on our plates, and heat for when it’s cold.  We have loving family and friends; we have our son and enjoy a nice life.  I am especially thankful for my wonderful husband who is the love of my life and an amazing father to our son, The Littlest E.  I sometimes get so caught up in my daily tasks as a wife and mother that I overlook how important my husband is to me and to our lives, and how much he contributes on a daily basis.

He’s a stand up guy, a caring, loving, compassionate, responsible, intelligent, giving (can’t forget handsome), and incredible man.  He’s also a true partner.  Throughout our marriage we’ve been a team.  When we were going through all of the infertility stuff, the IVFs, acupuncture, shots (which he kindly gave me because I was too chicken), endless doctor appointments, we were in it together.  It all was a team effort.  With each miscarriage, he was devastated as well.  More than anything, he wanted to be a father and for quite awhile, that seemed to be an impossible dream.

Well, that dream finally became a reality.  After we received our referral for our son, two of my friends and my Mom threw us a baby shower.  They didn’t throw it just for me, but for Tom, too.  That baby shower was a celebration for both of us.  It was a joyous occasion.

We brought our son home with us from Ethiopia last year.  We decided I would stay home with him and that decision wasn’t an easy one for my husband to make.  When Tom leaves for work each day, I know deep down he wishes he were here with our son.  When he is home with us, OMG, The Littlest E loves, loves, loves his Daddy, and visa versa.

Our son is so eager to see his Daddy when he comes home that it’s difficult for The Littlest E to give his Daddy any rest after a hard day’s work because he wants to play.  Tom is an awesome hands-on dad.  My heart fills up with so much love when I see the two of them together, reading books, making forts, playing with stickers, and just hanging out.  Father and son, there’s nothing like it.  He changes diapers, gives The Littlest E his nightly bath, he does “down time” with him before bed, and they sometimes do things together on the weekends when I need a bit of a break.  He’s not the kind of husband or father that leaves everything in my lap.  He plays an equal role in our decision-making when it comes to our family and The Littlest E.

This Thanksgiving, I’m particularly thankful for my husband.  When I see how he looks at our son, the love that emanates from him, when I watch him teach, guide and comfort our son, I think how blessed we are to be together.

Wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving.

Image: Melanie Elliott

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The Highs And Lows Of Taking A Trip Without My Toddler

This past weekend I went to a reunion in San Francisco and it was my first time away from my husband and 2-year old son, The Littlest E.  I was excited about visiting friends I hadn’t seen in many years and seeing my sister and nephew, as I was staying with them.  I was also nervous about leaving my son for the weekend.  I’ve traveled without my husband, but this time it was different.  I’d be leaving both of them.  Would The Littlest E be okay in my absence?  I had confidence my husband would be fine taking care of our son for two days; I just didn’t know how our son would do.

Friday night they dropped me off at the airport.  Saying goodbye was emotional.  I was going to miss them so much.  I got my son out of his car seat and gave him lots of kisses and hugs, did the same with my hubby, and they got in the car and drove off with me waving.  Wiping my eyes as I walked toward the airport entrance, an elderly woman asked how long I was going to be gone.  Perhaps I was a tad dramatic in my farewells.  I said laughing, “Only two days, but it’s my first time away.”  She smiled and told me it would be okay.  And, it was!

One thing about flying solo is it’s a lot less cumbersome.  All I had was a light carry on and my purse – no car seat, stroller, children’s toys, snacks, or extra luggage, plus there was no screaming or kicking toddler sitting next to me.  That was for the other parents on the plane.  The flight was smooth.

Prior to my trip, I had a phone conversation with my mom.  She asked me how many times I would check in with my husband and son while away.  She seemed surprised when I replied, “Two.  Once to say ‘good morning’ and once to say ‘good night.'”  Maybe she thought I would hover more, it being my first time away and all.  I resolved to only call them twice a day for that very reason.  I wanted to give my husband space to enjoy his one-on-one time with our son without me micromanaging from afar.  I figured if there were a problem, he would call me.  He’s a wonderful father and I trusted he’d do great on his own.  I did have a panicky moment my first night away, but opted not to call and bother him with my needless fears.

Over the weekend, I missed my two boys like crazy.  I love them both tremendously, yet I had a FANTASTIC time.  The reunion itself was a blast, plus it was so much fun only being responsible for myself.  I wouldn’t have done the trip any justice if I sat around not having a good time.  Missing them was a given, and enjoying myself was also a given.  Another little thing worth mentioning, I got to wear loop earrings!  I know it’s a tiny thing, but I haven’t done that since I became a mom.  I value my ear lobes too much to subject them to the strong hands of my curious toddler.

I stuck to my resolve and called twice a day.  It was the best hearing my son tell me he loved me.  Warmed my heart, made me miss him, and made me look forward to seeing both of them upon my return.  My husband told me The Littlest E asked for me and he told him I would be home soon.  By the second day, he was too busy to really talk, so he just said, “goodbye, Mommy.”  All was good at home, and with me.

Saturday night at the reunion, I danced with my sister and friends until 1:00 a.m., which is unheard of, and I slept in – 6:30 a.m. one day, 7:30 a.m. the next – quite a luxury in my normal everyday life.  Got in some great visits and, beaming with pride, showed everyone pictures of my family.

My entire trip was a highpoint.  It’s comforting to know that I can go away, have a great time and come home to life with my husband and son.  The only drawback about being gone was the multitude of chores I had to do when I got home.  To all the parents out there who have not yet taken a solo trip, I highly recommend it.  If you do go, please enjoy yourself while you’re away!

Image: http2007 (Thierry)

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The Importance of “Mom-Me” Time

As many of you know, I am an adoptive mom.  My husband and I brought our son home from Ethiopia a little over a year ago.  We decided that I would stay home to be with him.  It was tough transitioning from a full time job to being the full time mom of a 1 year old with all the responsibilities being a mom entails.  That first year, I was overwhelmed and my tasks seemed never ending.  A big challenge was finding the time to recharge my batteries, what I call Mom-Me time, so I could be more fully present for my family and myself.  Mom-Me time is getting out of the house and really taking time for myself like having a cup of coffee, seeing a movie, getting my hair done, or having lunch with a friend, etc.  Living on one income, we couldn’t really afford a sitter to give me that time.  I had to find other ways to take a break.

One thing I found that helps lessen the stress a bit is waking up at 5:00 a.m. on weekdays, the same time as my husband.  It’s ridiculously early, but I basically have 2½ hours all to myself.  Once up, I start my day with a hot shower then read some spiritual literature and practice meditation.  My meditation lasts only 5 minutes and I find it difficult to clear my head, still I get somewhat centered as a result.  During the rest of that precious time before my son (The Littlest E) gets up, I prep for the day, check emails, and catch up on DVRed TV programs.

While The Littlest E is taking his nap, there’s a limited amount of time that is usually busy time as there are things to do, cleaning, preparing dinner, and other household duties.  I confess that, if he takes a longer nap and I have the time, I watch TV.  It’s somewhat relaxing, yet I’m still home and in the thick of things.  I wish I were a daytime napper, but I’m not.

Throughout my first year as a mom, I did my best to use those brief periods of time to unwind; I had to.  Often it worked and the stress level remained manageable.  Inevitably, I’d get overloaded and not know how to communicate to my husband my state of being.  Only in the midst of a meltdown was I able to spit out the words “I NEED A BREAK!”  My husband’s a wonderful man, but he can’t read my mind.  He doesn’t know what I need until I state it.  Once he knows, he’s more than willing to give me some down time.  So, after that first meltdown, I took my Mom-Me time and went to a movie.  It felt so good to get out.  I came home much more relaxed and ready for anything.

Over time, I don’t know if being a mom has gotten easier or my ability to communicate has improved, but when I need my Mom-Me time, I can ask for it without any angst.  It doesn’t take much for me to feel rejuvenated, a couple of hours are sufficient, and when the Mom-Me time happens, it’s absolutely wonderful.

My son just started preschool and now I have 6 extra hours a week.  2 of those hours will be spent driving to and from school, so that gives me 4 hours – major Mom-Me time.  Those 4 hours are my new best friends.  I get excited thinking about how I can spend that fabulous 4: jogging, running errands, reading with thought, writing, and visiting friends.  It’s not much so I best make the most of it.  I’m a lucky gal to have made it through my first year of parenting with my sanity in tact.  I have my husband and my valuable Mom-Me time to thank for that.

Image: d3b..*

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Sometimes “Mom” Isn’t Enough

In my last blog, I wrote about the loneliness that came with being a new mom.  In this blog I’d like to focus on the massive transition it was to go from being in the work force for nearly 30 years, to becoming a stay-at-home mom at the age of 45, and what helped me through the transition.

Over the years when I was working, I had several jobs: waitress, comedy traffic school instructor, event producer, actor, legal assistant.  After my husband and I received the referral for our son, we discussed my staying home.  It had been a long journey to finally become parents, and, if possible, we wanted one of us to be there.  We didn’t want to miss a thing.  Since I was the one with the lower paying job, it was going to be me, if it happened.

Could I handle being a SAHM?  I had been at the same job, as a legal assistant, for over 9 years, loved my boss and the people I saw everyday.  Would I like being home after working so many years?  It wasn’t until we brought The Littlest E home from Ethiopia, that we made our decision.

Being Mom to The Littlest E is the best and most rewarding thing I’ve ever done, and the most difficult.  The adjustment going from working full time, to motherhood full time was profound.  There was the intensity and uncertainty of everything that went with being a new mom.  I was overloaded, thrilled, exhausted and elated altogether.

Everyday I give our little guy the love, care and nurturing he needs.  I am a steward, guide and teacher for him.  That part of being a mom I cherished.  It was the running of the household stuff that bothered me.  The deal my hubby and I made if we wanted to all eat together every night, was that I was responsible for cooking the meals.

In a short time, I began to resent having to plan and make the meals, do the dishes, laundry, clean, pay the bills – you get the idea.  Don’t get me wrong, my husband is a true partner and does his share of the work, but this was a big learning curve for me.  There was a side of me that selfishly didn’t want to do the work.  It felt like it was all too much.

I was talking with my mom about my “resentments” and we started joking about giving myself a title.  I thought, why not?  So, my title, along with mom, became Executive Director of the Elliott Family Residence.  I actually posted that as my job on Facebook.  Suddenly, having this silly title made me step up to the plate with my non-mom responsibilities.  In my work life, I always expanded each position, so why not do the same here?  I started to relish looking up recipes and balancing our checkbook.  I do get overwhelmed at times, but know that it goes with the territory.  My husband also helps out when I’m stressed.

Maybe it’s strange to give myself a title, yet I enjoy everything so much more.  I still can’t believe I ask my husband things like, “Honey, is there anything you haven’t eaten recently that you want?” when making the weekly shopping list, but I do, and giggle as I say it.  Life is good.  I’m a mom, and loving every minute of it, and I’m the Executive Director of our home, a job I’ve grown to treasure.

Image: Average Jane

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Inadvertent Racism

Having an adopted child from another race, we knew it was bound to happen sooner or later – a prejudiced comment.  I didn’t think it would happen when The Littlest E was a toddler, and I certainly didn’t think it would happen at my husband’s church.  But, it did.

My husband and I have different religions and his place of worship is very important to him.  We go, as a family, once a month so we can all be together when he worships.  I have always felt welcome at his church (and still do).  I like and respect the clergy and the entire congregation has been so supportive of our adoption and love The Littlest E.  That’s why I was a bit taken aback when I heard the remark.

During the service, The Littlest E and I were downstairs in the parish hall and nursery because he’s too little to sit still for an entire service.  In the nursery was an 11 year old girl, another little boy, slightly older than The Littlest E, the babysitter, and a teenage girl.  She struck me as having a “know it all,” tough girl air about her.

The babysitter was excited to see The Littlest E.  He and I played for a bit and then he went over to the teenager.  He’s always been fascinated with older kids.  He such a friendly little guy and just stood there staring at her.  She looked at him and said, “What?” as in “What are you looking at?”  I could see she didn’t quite know how to handle him, so I said, “he’s just being friendly.  He likes older girls.”  She then replied, “Oh, so he’s going to be a pimp.”

I didn’t know how to respond, not quite a deer in the headlights reaction, but close.   I had taken pre-adoption courses, had discussions with my husband, family and friends on something like this happening, but I was caught off guard.  All I said was “No he won’t,” in a hushed tone.  Within a few seconds, we quietly walked out of the nursery back to the parish hall.

I did my best not to let the comment get to me, and The Littlest E was too little to understand what was said.  He didn’t know what a pimp was.  I honestly didn’t think this teenager knew what she was saying or how it was taken.  I blamed it on ignorance and decided not to say anything, only mention it to my husband.  The Littlest E and I went on with our morning as though nothing had happened.

It was after the sermon during fellowship, when the babysitter and a couple of moms came up to me.  She apologized profusely about the comment.  She made a bigger deal about it than I had intended, but maybe that was a good thing.  I thought, okay, since we’re talking about this, why not turn it into something constructive.  In our discussion, I learned the young girl didn’t have a positive female role model and had had a tough go of it.  So, I said to them, rather than reprimand her, why not have a couple of the moms reach out to her and gently let her know that the comment she said was inappropriate, to make it a teaching moment, rather than a shaming moment.  Everyone seemed receptive to my idea.

Later, I mentioned everything to my husband.  He was surprised by what happened, but in agreement as to how I handled the aftermath.  He also thought my saying that The Littlest E likes older girls, could have been worded differently and he was right.  Our family went back the next month and the rector and his assistant had heard about what happened, too, and apologized.  They didn’t want us to feel uncomfortable there, they valued us.  We told them not to worry, that it was water under the bridge.

As I reflect on what occurred, I can’t help but think that this is going to happen again and I/we need to be more prepared.  We are involved with several different organizations, including an Ethiopian adoptive community, all of which can provide us with guidance and experience.  I learned I also need to watch what I say.

Being The Littlest E’s mom, I want to love and protect him as best I can, to let him know he’s not the only African born child with Caucasian parents, to nurture the amazing self he has inside him, and to be there for him, if, and when, he hears prejudicial or hurtful comments.  Hopefully, when that time comes, he will have developed a solid sense of self and self-esteem to handle that kind of remark, inadvertent or not.

Image: treehouse1977 (Jim Champion)

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