If you’re a parent, I’m sure you’ve run across this, getting your child to listen to you and respond the first time around. When The Littlest E was 2 years old, we had our challenges, but they really weren’t as terrible as most parents say. He’ll be turning 4 in July so we’re nearing the end of 3, yet 3 hasn’t been that horrible either. Can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard other parents say, “You thought 2 was bad, wait until 3.”
3 has been a bit more challenging though. The Littlest E has more opinions and believes what he believes and sticks to it even if he’s wrong. He knows what he wants to wear and not wear. He knows what he likes to eat and not eat. He knows what he wants to watch and not watch. And he is steadfast in his convictions. The list could go on. One of the issues my husband and I have is how to get him to listen to us the first time, without having the promise of something being taken away from him, or being given a consequence. In other words, how do I get my child to do what I ask? As I write this, I’m smiling because sometimes I still think my parents think I don’t listen to them. Yes, it’s the age-old problem of listening.
I took a parenting class with my son last year at Burbank Adult School. One of the things teacher Karen taught the moms of toddler boys is that they get so engrossed in what they’re doing, it’s better to have gentle contact with them if you want them to listen. There have been several times when I asked The Littlest E to do something with no response. I would ask a couple of times before getting a little annoyed. Then, I’d remember what teacher Karen said and I’d go into his room and see that he was playing intently with something. With a gentle touch on his shoulder I would ask again. That broke the spell. He stopped what he was doing and listened. Thank you teacher Karen!
Another thing my husband and I did which doesn’t solve the problem entirely, but helps is we created a Good First Listening Chart. When our son listens to what we are asking and responds the first time, he gets a sticker that he puts on the chart. We do this for things like, “Please clean up your toys,” “Please put your clothes in the hamper,” “Please fold your napkin,” etc., otherwise we’d be at the chart all day long putting up stickers for everything.
Once the chart is full, he receives a present. One might call this bribery. I’d like to call it incentive. We did something similar when potty training and it seemed to work okay. Since he’s only 3, he’s not going to listen and respond the first time every time. The chart is not the be all end all, but it works sometimes. Plus, he feels so good about himself after some good first time listening and when the chart is full, he’s proud of his accomplishment. For his first present, he had the choice of 3 DVDs, “Cars,” “Monsters, Inc.” and “The Incredibles.” With great excitement, he chose “Monsters, Inc.”
I’ve also started reading a wonderful parenting book called “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk,” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Even though it was written in 1980, what they write is still relevant to today’s parents. There are chapters on alternatives to punishment, encouraging autonomy, praise, complete with helpful exercises, cartoons, and so much more. I’ve only just begun and can’t wait to continue reading it.
One of the things I read in the book and heard about in my parenting class is offering your child choices. It builds autonomy, gets them involved in the process, and gives them ownership of something. This morning I gave The Littlest E choices about what to wear for school. He had 2 choices for shirts, pants, socks and undies, and he picked what he wanted. It’s our little game we play in the morning. While we’re playing, he’s engaged and listening.
This whole listening thing takes practice for us. I’m learning ways to communicate so he’ll listen better and he’s learning ways to listen better. It’s a life long process, but aren’t most things when it comes to parenting? If you find yourself having listening issues with your child, try a Good First Listening Chart or check out the book and see how it goes. If you have other suggestions, please post them in the comment section of the blog. Would love to know your ideas. Until the next blog, happy parenting!
Images: woodleywonderworks, Melanie Elliott, HarshLight
Mom To The Littlest E 